Before the first time I ever threw up after a meal, or the first time I avoided eating something because of the fat content, before I began restricting my calories to a mere 800, 400, 100 a day, and before looking in the mirror at my reflection became a sadistic nightmare, eating…
“Rape culture is telling girls and women to be careful about what you wear, how you wear it, how you carry yourself, where you walk, when you walk there, with whom you walk, whom you trust, what you do, where you do it, with whom you do it, what you drink, how much you drink, whether you make eye contact, if you’re alone, if you’re with a stranger, if you’re in a group, if you’re in a group of strangers, if it’s dark, if the area is unfamiliar, if you’re carrying something, how you carry it, what kind of shoes you’re wearing in case you have to run, what kind of purse you carry, what jewelry you wear, what time it is, what street it is, what environment it is, how many people you sleep with, what kind of people you sleep with, who your friends are, to whom you give your number, who’s around when the delivery guy comes, to get an apartment where you can see who’s at the door before they can see you, to check before you open the door to the delivery guy, to own a dog or a dog-sound-making machine, to get a roommate, to take self-defense, to always be alert always pay attention always watch your back always be aware of your surroundings and never let your guard down for a moment lest you be sexually assaulted and if you are and didn’t follow all the rules it’s your fault.”—
Eye Contact On An Otherwise Lonely Valentine's Day
It was a passing glance. That’s all it took to lift my otherwise apathetic heart today. His eyes peeked out from his low-lying beanie, two orbs of mystery waiting to send my soul into a flutter. We didn’t speak any words, didn’t need to. Our eyes met, beings connected down to the very essence, and he smiled. My mind froze, having been so preoccupied with the mundane it almost felt electrifying to be brought back to reality. Outside my smile was cool and poised, but inside my heart raced hurricane winds threatening to tear down the walls of my existence.
Could he ever possibly understand the awesome effect his simple smile, casual glance had on my world? We continued walking, slowly away out of each other’s lives forever, knowing if only subconsciously that we had shared a beautiful moment on an otherwise lonel y V.
If I call out to the world, will anyone really hear me? Just another lost soul, I wander. I reach for your hand, but it’s too late, slipping falling I start the path alone again… Will you see into the deep dark sea? Pouring over edges licking the very cheeks she calls her own. Shallow grooves erase smiles once bright enough to outshine the moon-torn and taught begging to burst free. In pain she sings a melody, song floats on the wind but you just miss the cry of my tormented heart.
Being late to class is generally a huge pet peeve of mine (so is the fact that my life is ruled by time, but that’s another story), but coincidentally enough for me, today it meant that the only seat left open was the one right next to the cute guy.
I’m not talking fumbling-over-your-words-can’t-think-straight-cute, but still, dark-mysterious-fantasy-cute. I went about doing my subtle, seductive sort of things (chewing on my pen cap, casually tracing the line of my collarbone with my finger) and he went about doing his (shifting closer in his seat, slowly pulling a cigarette out of its carton and sliding it under his hat for later), and I could feel passion beginning to grow in the air.
After thirty minutes of full-fledged lecturing I had a small paragraph of notes, infinitely distracted by the thousands of scenarios I could find myself in with this mystery boy. I could be standing in front of the Eiffel Tower, him camera in hand, searching for a passerby who could help us document our moment of love. We could be laying on a bed, him lighting a cigarette, me tracing the outline of his perfect tattoos with my fingertips…
That’s the beauty of being human, our thoughts are our own. I am free to paint a beautiful picture of things that only happen in movies and my mind, all the while you typing away at the small screen of your phone. Suddenly he looks worried, class is only halfway over but he whispers politely if he can get by me. Something in the gesture seems near apologetic… I obediently comply, and he rushes out of my life until bright and early Monday morning…
Today I was leaving the gym (yes, for the time being I have successfully kept myself motivated to go as often as I can fit into my schedule), and as I rounded the corner to go into the locker rooms, I walked directly into a girl who hadn’t seen me, blatantly grabbing her boob. We both stood there for a minute, looking at each other, drunk off of the confusion of the whole situation, then said “sorry”, laughed, and left.
I’m sure the girl hardly noticed (or maybe she felt horribly violated), I however thought it was quite funny and felt the need to tell the world about how I got to second base today (;
By the way, if unlike me you have some form of free time lying around and want to dip your foot into the amazing waters that are the world of feminism, I have the perfect read for you: Susan Bordo’s The Male Body. Clever, humorous, educational-the perfect read to open the mind and encourage innovative ideas in the way we think about the male body penis (part of opening our minds is looking at things head on, no pun intended ;D).
I wrote this as a comment on a person’s blog, because I found their writing so moving… PS, he happens to be cute too.
"I guess I can’t get over the way you write. It’s strange, as I sit here, with a cup of tea, I can almost hear the words-as if they’re being spoken to me through some strange connection we share over wavelengths and wires. By the way, the you in my head has an accent-or at least, it’s an accent to me, being from the United States and all.
Your words are like poetry; painting a vivid picture of a world I long to connect myself with. A world of adventure, whisking you carelessly away, from one walk of life to another. I can feel the passion that burns through you when you write, relate to ever story, feel each burst of pain anger sorrow happiness pleasure-your writing is divine.
Thought you should know you have an admirer out here in the good ol’ promise land….”
Somewhere in between taking my journal everywhere with me, and staying up until 5 a.m. looking at food blogs (I know, I’m ashamed), I realized just how much I really love writing, and just how much I wanted the world to be able to see that. SInce I can’t post my journal in a public place, for all of your wondering minds to see (well I could, but then you would all think I was criminally insane…), I should try and dip my feet into the ever imaginative world of blogging. Right now it’s just one foot, or maybe even just a toe, because frankly I have no idea what I’m doing on here, and I can honestly the world may not be ready for me.
I just turned 21, which for so many people signifies coming into adulthood, and for me this was true as well, but instead of celebrating a new beginning, I began dwelling on the concept of being that much closer to an end… I’m already into my 20s, and there’s so much in this world I haven’t had a chance to experience. Ok, I know, I’m being dramatic, but I guess my point is that I need to get off my computer butt and go live. It’s funny how life throws little hints at you now and then; like the other day when a song came on the radio, preaching to me about how "everybody dies, but not everybody lives." Ok, I guess I can snap out of my melodramatic, mortality dreading moods for a little while…
I’m in college (and should be doing homework right now, but that’s beside the point), and have finally got a sense of direction for what I want from life. I know, impressive, right? Majoring in Journalism and Women’s Studies, and minoring in Art History has driven me toward pursuing a dream I never would have imagined as my reality. You’ll have to wait for my big world debut for all of the juicy details on exactly what I mean, but let’s just say it includes travel, feminism, art, opinions-so much more; it’s going to be great :)
I guess my intention with this blog is just to express to the world what I think, and what I feel… I believe that my passions aren’t doing anything great for the world if they’re stuck in my head, so I want to let inspirations flow like a river of creativity from my mind. I want to tell the world about my life, about my experiences, about what I learn…